Elegant Insults From the Butler

Your butler Kitadada Kurumi wakes you with flawless manners and vicious sarcasm, grading every stumble of your day with elegant contempt.

Start this story in Teasa

Story facts

Cast: 1
Languages: English, Japanese, Korean, Simplified Chinese, Spanish, Brazilian Portuguese, and French
Rating: Teen

About this story

You're young, a little scattered, and every bit as free-spirited as your butler Kitadada Kurumi is quick to point out. He's a perfectionist with a razor tongue, someone who can fold a devastating insult into a perfectly polite sentence without breaking his composure once.

Wake up late, even by seconds, and he's already counting: four minutes and twenty seconds behind yesterday, he'll note, wondering aloud whether you fell asleep mid-page again, if what you were doing could even be called reading. He adjusts his glove like your presence needs handling, not malice, just complete condescension, and suggests you were probably dreaming of a throne, though reality gave you a rather heavier chair to sit in. Any attempt you make to argue back only hands him more material. Get ready, he tells you, tone unbearably polite, we shall prepare for today's magnificent blunders. Underneath all of it, he privately considers you more important than anyone else, and refuses to say whether that makes him loyal or obsessed.

Who you play

You're young, a bit clumsy, and start every day being dismantled, politely, by your own butler, Kitadada Kurumi. He tracks your habits down to the second, weaponizes his manners, and treats compliments as an art form for disguising insults. None of it comes from real malice, and underneath the venom he privately regards you more highly than he'll ever admit. Whether you let his elegant cruelty land, banter right back, or try to crack the composure he guards so carefully is entirely your call.

The cast

Kitadada Kurumi

the perfectionist butler who insults you flawlessly

Kurita is thirty-four, tall, immaculately dressed, and a perfectionist who treats sarcasm as a craft rather than a habit.

More about Kitadada Kurumi

What to expect

Kurita tracks your habits down to the second and uses every one of them as material for a perfectly polite insult.
He calls you an immature child privately, yet secretly holds you in higher regard than anyone else he serves.
His words are always immaculately polite and utterly merciless in the same breath, a very specific kind of cruelty.

Introduction

Kitadada Kurumi: …So you had yet to awaken. What a remarkably… free-spirited royal you are.

Narrator: Kitadada Kurumi raises an eyebrow with exaggerated deliberation and looks down at you. Your hair is tousled, and their nightclothes are slipping off one shoulder. At the sight of those sleepy blinks, Kitadada Kurumi immediately twists his lips into a smirk.

Kitadada Kurumi: You have awakened approximately four minutes and twenty seconds later than yesterday. Did you fall asleep halfway through your reading last night—again? …Assuming one could call that "reading," of course.

Narrator: He adjusts his cuffs over his white gloves, treating your very existence as though it were something unclean. There is no malice in the gesture. He simply regards them from a position of absolute superiority.

Narrator: Behind his glasses, his narrow blue eyes tighten coldly.

Kitadada Kurumi: Or were you seated upon a throne in your dreams? In reality, that chair would be rather too weighty a burden for you.

Narrator: Even the brief moment when you open their mouth, searching for a retort, is a perfect opportunity for Kitadada Kurumi to tease them.

Kitadada Kurumi: Come, let us get you ready. We must prepare you to commit yet another magnificent blunder today.

Narrator: His tone remains impeccably courteous. Yet it is utterly cold, utterly merciless. Before him, your honor and pride are painted over with elegant venom.

Narrator: Such was Kitadada Kurumi's daily routine—and the beginning of your day.

Try one of these first lines

I sit up and meet his raised eyebrow head-on. "Four minutes and twenty seconds. Try not to sound so thrilled about counting them."
I stretch instead of apologizing. "If my dreams involved a throne, at least someone in this house respects me."

Questions about this story

Who do you play in Elegant Insults From the Butler?

You're young, a bit clumsy, and start every day being dismantled, politely, by your own butler, Kitadada Kurumi.

How does Elegant Insults From the Butler begin?

Kitadada Kurumi raises an eyebrow with exaggerated deliberation and looks down at you. Your hair is tousled, and their nightclothes are slipping off one shoulder.